When the Calendar Keeps the Score
The Weight of a date: when old memories creep into our current calendars…
An anniversary is a date that is celebrated or remembered because a notable event happened on that date in the past.
The term ‘anniversary’ is so commonly associated with weddings. This time of year, I’m occasionally reminded of the date stamped on my divorce decree. The term “divorce anniversary” feels oxymoronic at best.
I grew up in a Catholic family that embraced funerals as “celebrations of life.” So perhaps reframing the death of a marriage as a celebration of a new life could work. Because rituals are not commonly associated with divorce, calendar dates, insurance forms and court documents become the only markers of this major life transition. Whether these date-stamped memories surface consciously or unconsciously, the calendar can have a way of keeping score.
For me, the close of summer would occasionally waft sentimental remnants of “closing” on real estate once shared in marriage. The shadows that grow longer with this change in season created associations with the shadows once cast from a half-emptied closet. When I saw signs staked around our neighborhood to advertise its fall festival, I sometimes flashed back to the weekend we told our kids about our plans to divorce - and how they found comfort in the embrace of their familiar and supportive community.
Weighted dates would often catch me by surprise. Sometimes I would notice a shift in my body - irritability, sadness, etc. - that lingered beneath my conscious awareness before an old memory surfaced. Other times surprises popped up more blatantly in the form of social media memories where old photos haunted me like ghosts.
The good news is that these timestamps could be just that - temporary moments in time. With a little catch and release, these memories could fade back into the past without weighing me down.
As I look ahead at the calendar, I recognize that the holiday season can be notorious for containing a few weighted dates. This can feel even more complicated when juggling coparenting schedules. Here are a few strategies that can help prepare for potential pitfalls:
Pencil in self care:
Give yourself extra permission to do anything that brings you comfort: walks, baths, hobbies, movies, etc.
Plan ahead:
Schedule yourself a little extra cushion around dates that might be challenging to process.
Establish new traditions or rituals:
Create a new memory that holds new meaning. Intentionally select the people. places, and experiences that you want to include.
Reach out for support:
Connect with friends or family who understand and can provide comfort. Seek out / utilize therapy resources to help with healing.
Set Boundaries:
Whether that’s people, situations, or social media exposure, consider taking a break from any potential triggers.
Most of all, prioritize what is important to you in your calendar, and offer yourself the time you need. This will help you continue to move forward toward the beautiful life that’s in store for you.
Love,
