That day I wrote my own divorce press release…
This is a piece I wrote years ago in the initial stages of my divorce transition journey. Yes, it was cathartic to express myself through writing, but the public announcement also served as an energy conservation technique. I knew I didn’t have the bandwidth to share my family’s difficult situation repeatedly in conversation. It was also important that I could exercise my own autonomy in sharing my story in a way both expressed my truth and kept my children’s best interests at heart.
Unfortunately life brings you moments where you find yourself feeling as if you are sitting within the remnants of a life shattered, left only with bits and pieces and shards surrounding you, and you are so overwhelmed by the chaos of it all that that it feels impossible to discern which piece to pick up first because you have not yet mustered the strength to pick up you.
A circle has no beginning or end and is therefore a symbol of infinity. It is endless, eternal, just the way love should be. For many the ring is worn on the fourth finger of the left hand. This is because the vein in this finger was believed to lead directly to the wearer's heart.
And then, you realize that there are beautiful souls who have been waiting in the wings, and offer one hand, one heart, one ray of light, one song, one token of love at a time, and this beautiful and communal effort places each fragmented piece back around your finger and your heart, and your broken world begins to resemble something whole again. I gaze down upon a new ring given to me by loved ones that reminds me in its symbolic rose color that I am still meant for joy and for love.
Divorce is a topic not easy to navigate. I have heard depression described as "the no casserole disease." I find there are several life hardships that fall into this category, and my heart aches for the countless stories of those who suffer the pangs of these adversities in silence. In my experience, it was important to keep my story private to protect a marriage and family I deemed worthy of fighting for, and I silently and diligently worked in every capacity to maintain its shape and form, until there was nothing finite left to grasp. I'm still not sure that what slipped between my fingers was something I could no longer hold on to, or whether what I was holding so tightly let go of me.
Regardless of which way the "letting go" happened, the crash, the shattering, the breaking was palpable beyond measure.
The most palpable piece, perhaps, was the aftershock effect that rippled into the lives surrounding the destruction. At this point, the focal point becomes your children, and the reconstructive aim arises in the form of triage. Divorce is not topic not easy to navigate, and therefore it is silenced in the objective to protect your children. All the experts recommend that it is most important that your children continue to receive a consistent message that this new life change was one brought about by a decision by both parents that is mutually agreed upon, and that this message is inherent to the best possible outcome of your children's overall health and well being. So you say these things and pray for the best possible outcome for your children's overall health and well-being.
With all the challenges facing the opening of a dialogue about such a vulnerable and delicate topic, it is with great care and much mindfulness that I approach it. I choose to share my experience NOT to cast a dark shadow or throw shade onto a story that is not mine, but I also no longer deem myself responsible to protect the image or ego of choices that I have NOT made. Those choices are no longer my weight to carry, burden to bear. In the era of "me too," I continue to watch women (and men) who too often continue to protect the power of others in a way that sacrifices their own worth, that silence their own voices.
I do pray that my experience reaches other souls who read this, perhaps in the "no casserole purgatory" of a life chapter, and are seeking a sort of camaraderie and respite between others who have lived a similar story. I am among those trailblazers who see you, and I am rooting you on along the way. I pray that your silent sacrifices in one way or another lead you to unconditional love in whatever way it finds you.
The NYT recently published this article: 16 Dishes to Make for Someone Going Through a Hard Time
“Divorce, death, a big move, illness: Food may not fix anything, but a lovingly prepared meal can bring some much-needed comfort and nourishment.”
I was lucky enough to receive a casserole or two, with humbly practicing saying “yes” and “thank you” to generous offerings of kindness.
Most of all I write to express sincere gratitude. I recently indulged myself in the movie, "Mary Poppins Returns" with my children at the end of 2018. Instead of utilizing a wind-change as a catalyst for moving forward and a departure for Mary Poppins, she foreshadows that she will know her time has come when a door opens. At the end of the movie, Michael expresses that for the first time in a long period of grief, he experiences a door opening a pathway of joy into his heart. Divorce for me has been an experience of grief + rejection, which seems to deliver a doubly-weighted amount of pain. But one by one, various forms of Mary Poppins have made appearances into my life this year to lift me back up onto my wobbly sea legs, which has inherently enabled me to continue to steadfastly carry and guide my children with a determined gaze set on safe harbor. I visualize all these faces of Mary Poppins like the scene in the original movie where she spins round and round in "Step in Time," with each rotation revealing another image of a beautiful smile and soul who has offered me a hand to hold while I've navigated this new and rocky terrain. I cherish these faces, and they know who they are. They are faces that are reminders that God is near and present in each and every one of us.
The door for me has opened, if only just a crack, and I look forward to the moment that I no longer need the various forms of Mary Poppins at all, when I can send them on their various ways so they can sprinkle their magic down upon the next person person who could use a breath of life by means of rekindled childhood joy and abounding love. I look forward to the day I can be a Mary Poppins to gently crack the door open, gently pick up a piece and lend a hand for another in need. And I look forward to a life in which this difficult topic in not one that is all-consuming or defining, but a reference back to a catalyst to a beautiful journey ahead. I look forward to embracing the perspective of an experience once defined as a hardship, someday deemed as a lightship, as I sail unweighted by anchors and onward toward a horizon with promises of beauty, light and love.
